<<set $b = 0>>
<<set $d = 0>>
<<set $e = 0>>
<<set $i = 0>>
<<set $j = 0>>
<<set $p = 0>>
<<set $u = 0>>
<<set $w = 0>>
<<set $war = 0>><h2>First question: How are you?</h2>
1. [[What are you, a cop?|q2][$e += 1]]
2. [[Pretty good, actually|q2][$w += 1]]
3. [[Miserable|q2][$j += 1]]
4. [[Devious|q2][$u += 1]]
5. [[Missing someone :(|q2][$war += 1]]
6. [[Filled with hate|q2][$b += 1]]
7. [[Dead|q2][$d += 1]]
8. [[Alas, I am languishing. You must drive the invaders from this land.|q2][$i += 1]]
9. [[It's not really relevant|q2][$p += 1]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i>
<<silently>>
<<set $woman to Math.max($b, $d, $e, $i, $j, $p, $u, $w, $war)>>
<<if $b == $woman>>
<<goto ballandchain>>
<<elseif $d == $woman>>
<<goto dead>>
<<elseif $e == $woman>>
<<goto evil>>
<<elseif $i == $woman>>
<<goto ireland>>
<<elseif $j == $woman>>
<<goto jilted>>
<<elseif $p == $woman>>
<<goto pretty>>
<<elseif $u == $woman>>
<<goto unfaithful>>
<<elseif $war == $woman>>
<<goto warwife>>
<<elseif $w == $woman>>
<<goto winning>>
<<else>>
<<goto results>>
<</if>>
<</silently>><<silently>>
<<set $b = 0>>
<<set $d = 0>>
<<set $e = 0>>
<<set $i = 0>>
<<set $j = 0>>
<<set $p = 0>>
<<set $u = 0>>
<<set $w = 0>>
<<set $war = 0>>
<<goto intro>>
<</silently>>home<h2>That's great, friend. How do you think you'll die?</h2>
1. [[Probably tragically|q3][$p += 1]]
2. [[Waiting for my love to return|q3][$war += 1]]
3. [[Of sorrow|q3][$j += 1]]
4. [[As a consequence for my actions|q3][$u += 1]]
5. [[With regrets|q3][$b += 1]]
6. [[Famine or something. Possibly the plague.|q3][$d += 1]]
7. [[At the hands of the English|q3][$i += 1]]
8. [[Executed|q3][$e += 1]]
9. [[I won't|q3][$w += 1]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i><h2>Which Irish folk song woman are you?</h2>
There are many women in Irish folk songs, and most of them are treated poorly! Which questionable stereotype are you? Mostly an excuse to talk about folk songs :)
<h3>[[Start|start]]</h3>
<i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i>Double-click this passage to edit it.[[|q][$ += 1]]
p
i
d
j
war
u
e
b
w<h2>Choose a lyric.</h2>
1. [["'Fair maiden', I cried, 'your love I crave, for beauty is the lord of all / I will wrap you in my morning cloak, and I'll bring you back to Easter Snow.'" (Easter Snow)|q4][$p += 1]]
2. [["And I thought she had a splendid harp, by her side she let it fall / As she played the tunes of Brian Boru, Garryowen and Tara’s hall" (Burke's Dream)|q4][$i += 1]]
3. [["And often in those grand old woods, I will sit and shut my eyes / And my mind will ramble back again to the place where Mary lies" (Lament of the Irish Emigrant)|q4][$d += 1]]
4. [["And when I’m dead and in my grave, there is one request I’ll make / To carry my bones to Ireland and lay them on his grave / These words write on my tombstone, for all who pass it by: / I died quite broken hearted for my bonny Irish boy" (Bonny Irish Boy)|q4][$j += 1]]
5. [["Though the road may be tiresome and hard to tread / and the lights of the city may blind you / Return, a stór, to Erin’s shore / and the love you’re leaving behind you" (A Stór mo Chroí)|q4][$war += 1]]
6. [["'Well, it's many the day I’ve travelled one hundred miles and more / But whiskers on a baby boy I never saw before.'" (Seven Nights Drunk)|q4][$u += 1]]
7. [["She went into the chemist shop, some remedies for to buy / 'Have you anything in your chemist shop that'd make an old man blind?'" (Marrowbones)|q4][$e += 1]]
8. [["When we went into bed / He lay there like he was dead / Maids, when you’re young, never wed an old man" (An Old Man Came Courting Me)|q4][$b += 1]]
9. [["I can dance, I can sing like a starling / By the youngsters I'll never be beat / In a whisper, I'll tell you, my darling / I'm as good as they're making them yet" (Mary Malone)|q4][$w += 1]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i><h2>Choose a traditional tune by its name.</h2>
1. [[If There Weren't Any Women in the World|q8][$w += 1]]
2. [[Banish Misfortune|q8][$b += 1]]
3. [[Pay the Reckoning|q8][$e += 1]]
4. [[Jenny's Welcome to Charlie|q8][$u += 1]]
5. [[My Love is in America|q8][$war += 1]]
6. [[Rakish Paddy|q8][$j += 1]]
7. [[I Buried My Wife and Danced on Her Grave|q8][$d += 1]]
8. [[The Harp and the Shamrock|q8][$i += 1]]
9. [[The Shepherd's Daughter|q8][$p += 1]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i><h2>What supernatural event is most likely to happen to you?</h2>
1. [[A special flower grows from your grave|q9][$j += 1]]
2. [[You're so pious that God lets you hang your coat on a sunbeam|q9][$p += 1]]
3. [[Someone brings your ghost back|q9][$d += 1]]
4. [[You're allowed to transform into a bird and fly across the ocean|q9][$war += 1]]
5. [[Cursed|q9][$u += 1]]
6. [[You fight the Devil and win|q9][$w += 1]]
7. [[You're mercifully taken to otherworldly divorce court|q9][$b += 1]]
8. [[Haunted by those children you killed|q9][$e += 1]]
9. [[I'm already a supernatural event|q9][$i += 1]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i><h2>Pick a weekend activity!</h2>
1. [[Going to a fair|q5][$p += 1]]
2. [[Having fun with friends|q5][$w += 1]]
3. [[Staring listlessly across the sea|q5][$war += 1]]
4. [[Partying|q5][$b += 1]]
5. [[Theft|q5][$e += 1]]
6. [[Seducing|q5][$u += 1]]
7. [[Spinning/weaving|q5][$j += 1]]
8. [[Slam poetry|q5][$i += 1]]
9. [[Lying around doing nothing|q5][$d += 1]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i><h2>How do you feel about Bonnie Prince Charlie?</h2>
1. [[BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE I FUCKING LOVE BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIEI'M FROTHING AT THE MOUTH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH|q6][$i += 1]]
2. [[Alas, the Rising has taken my love from me|q6][$war += 1]]
3. [[what|q6]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i><h2>Choose a mainstream song that gets called "Celtic."</h2>
1. [[Danny Boy|q7][$d += 1]]
2. [[Fairytale of New York (The Pogues)|q7][$b += 1]]
3. [[The Voice (Celtic Women)|q7][$i += 1]]
4. [[Dirty Old Town (Ewan MacColl)|q7][$u += 1]]
5. [[Galway Girl (Ed Sheeran)|q7][$p += 1]]
6. [[Soldier, Poet, King (The Oh Hellos)|q7][$w += 1]]
7. [[Scarborough Fair|q7][$j += 1]]
8. [[Fields of Athenry|q7][$war += 1]]
9. [[Anything by Hozier|q7][$e += 1]]
10. [[I don't know any of these. I'm so lost.|q7]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i><h2>Why would someone hate you?</h2>
1. [[For the murders, probably|q10][$e += 1]]
2. [[For incel reasons|q10][$p += 1]]
3. [[For begging for bread|q10][$war += 1]]
4. [[*a full history essay*|q10][$i += 1]]
5. [[For posting facebook memes about how my marriage is failing|q10][$b += 1]]
6. [[For my effect on the plot|q10][$d += 1]]
7. [[For cheating|q10][$u += 1]]
8. [[For monologuing|q10][$j += 1]]
9. [[For being different. And maybe my crimes.|q10][$w += 1]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i><h2>Choose an archenemy.</h2>
1. [[Napoleon Boneparte|q11][$war += 1]]
2. [[My husband|q11][$b += 1]]
3. [[The woman who stole my love from me...|q11][$j += 1]]
4. [[Worms??|q11][$d += 1]]
5. [[Random person I killed|q11][$e += 1]]
6. [[Protestantism|q11][$i += 1]]
7. [[I have no enemies|q11][$p += 1]]
8. [[The institution of marriage|q11][$u += 1]]
9. [[The Devil, or possibly God|q11][$w += 1]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i><<silently>>
<<set $b = 0>>
<<set $d = 0>>
<<set $e = 0>>
<<set $i = 0>>
<<set $j = 0>>
<<set $p = 0>>
<<set $u = 0>>
<<set $w = 0>>
<<set $war = 0>>
<<goto q1>>
<</silently>><h2>And finally, pick an instrument.</h2>
1. [[Harp|result][$i += 1]]
2. [[Rattlebones|result][$d += 1]]
3. [[Flute|result][$war += 1]]
4. [[Fiddle|result][$p += 1]]
5. [[Pipes|result][$w += 1]]
6. [[Whistle|result][$u += 1]]
7. [[Banjo|result][$e += 1]]
8. [[Concertina|result][$j += 1]]
9. [[Guitar|result][$b += 1]]
<i>[[Reset?]]</i>Double-click this passage to edit it.<h2>The Old Ball and Chain</h2>
You should get a divorce. This is a very specific archetype, but I think about it a lot. Your husband is withered. He can’t fuck. He’s at least 30 years your senior, and you’re not happy about it. At least he’ll be dead soon.
<b>Examples:</b>
<a href="https://youtu.be/OolHuE_2P9c?si=elOGAebSjg3qrhMq">An Seanduine Dóite</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgRhDjXdZ6k">Bean an tSeanduine</a>
<a href="https://www.joeheaney.org/en/an-old-man-came-courting-me/">An Old Man Came Courting Me</a>
<b>Your Results</b>
[[Dead|dead]]: $d
[[Evil|evil]]: $e
[[Jilted Lover|jilted]]: $j
[[Metaphor for Ireland|ireland]]: $i
[[Pretty|pretty]]: $p
[[The Old Ball and Chain|ballandchain]]: $b
[[Unfaithful Lover|unfaithful]]: $u
[[War Wife|warwife]]: $war
[[Winning|winning]]: $w
<i>[[Reset?]]</i> | <i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i><h2>Dead</h2>
A corpse. You’re usually there to give a man something to be sad about. Sorry about that. He might’ve shot you, but he’ll spend the rest of the song feeling kind of bad. You’re occasionally fueling someone’s revolutionary spirit. Whatever the result, you’re very dead.
<b>Examples:</b>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caFcuYCanGY">Molly Bán</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6wqbrPX-lA&t=9s">The Wind that Shakes the Barley</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cj4ifPsTe2I">Skibbereen</a>
<b>Your Results</b>
[[Dead|dead]]: $d
[[Evil|evil]]: $e
[[Jilted Lover|jilted]]: $j
[[Metaphor for Ireland|ireland]]: $i
[[Pretty|pretty]]: $p
[[The Old Ball and Chain|ballandchain]]: $b
[[Unfaithful Lover|unfaithful]]: $u
[[War Wife|warwife]]: $war
[[Winning|winning]]: $w
<i>[[Reset?]]</i> | <i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i><h2>Evil</h2>
Have a free evening? Frame a stranger for robbery! Unwanted children? Get rid of them with this one simple trick! You may or may not be a murderer. You’ve done a lot wrong, but you’d make an interesting ballad.
<b>Examples:</b>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPUKtAY9-d8">Black Velvet Band</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mjWhMn-VnU">The Well Below the Valley</a>
<a href="https://www.clarelibrary.ie/eolas/coclare/songs/cmc/weela_weela_wallia_vboyle.htm">Weela Weela Walya</a>
<b>Your Results</b>
[[Dead|dead]]: $d
[[Evil|evil]]: $e
[[Jilted Lover|jilted]]: $j
[[Metaphor for Ireland|ireland]]: $i
[[Pretty|pretty]]: $p
[[The Old Ball and Chain|ballandchain]]: $b
[[Unfaithful Lover|unfaithful]]: $u
[[War Wife|warwife]]: $war
[[Winning|winning]]: $w
<i>[[Reset?]]</i> | <i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i><h2>Metaphor for Ireland</h2>
Congrats! You’re a metaphor for Ireland! In the tradition of aisling poetry, you’re here to lament your sorry state. You’re long-suffering, very hot, and occasionally in love with Bonnie Prince Charlie.
<b>Examples:</b>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ojy1W6r8L0">Mo Ghile Mear</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJt18WYjI7U">Táimse im' Chodladh</a>
<a href="https://www.joeheaney.org/en/roisin-dubh-1/">Róisín Dubh</a>
<b>Your Results</b>
[[Dead|dead]]: $d
[[Evil|evil]]: $e
[[Jilted Lover|jilted]]: $j
[[Metaphor for Ireland|ireland]]: $i
[[Pretty|pretty]]: $p
[[The Old Ball and Chain|ballandchain]]: $b
[[Unfaithful Lover|unfaithful]]: $u
[[War Wife|warwife]]: $war
[[Winning|winning]]: $w
<i>[[Reset?]]</i> | <i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i><h2>Jilted Lover</h2>
Alas, your love has spurned you! You’ll spend at least three verses lamenting this. You’re going to have a bad time, and you might die. But you ALSO might get a line like this —
Is bhain tú thoir agus bhain tú thiar díom
Bhain tú an ghealach is bhain tú an ghrian díom
Bhain tú an croí atá istigh i mo chliabh díom
Ach is rí-mhór m’fhaitíos gur bhain tú Dia dhíom.
<i>You have taken east and west from me;
You’ve taken the moon and the sun from me;
You’ve taken the heart from within my breast;
But my greatest fear is that you’ve taken God from me.</i>
Translation taken from <a href="https://www.joeheaney.org/en/donal-og/">here</a>. Consider taking up poetry.
<b>Examples:</b>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2Yt4ZRaZNI">Dónal Óg</a>
<a href="https://www.clarelibrary.ie/eolas/coclare/songs/cmc/bonny_irish_boy_mkelleher.htm">Bonny Irish Boy</a>
<a href="https://www.clarelibrary.ie/eolas/coclare/songs/cmc/in_carlow_town_jmccarthy.htm">In Carlow Town</a>
<b>Your Results</b>
[[Dead|dead]]: $d
[[Evil|evil]]: $e
[[Jilted Lover|jilted]]: $j
[[Metaphor for Ireland|ireland]]: $i
[[Pretty|pretty]]: $p
[[The Old Ball and Chain|ballandchain]]: $b
[[Unfaithful Lover|unfaithful]]: $u
[[War Wife|warwife]]: $war
[[Winning|winning]]: $w
<i>[[Reset?]]</i> | <i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i><h2>Pretty</h2>
You’re SO pretty. You’re probably from a song about how some guy wants to marry you. He’s having a proper breakdown about it. He’s going away to some lonesome valley. He won’t yoke his horse until you date him. He’s sending you letters guilt-tripping you. You can do better.
<b>Examples:</b>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMMQE_9Xo6g">Moorlogh Mary</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfbhc3NBTA">Star of the County Down</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB2iecHMpZQ">Neansaí Mhíle Grá</a>
<b>Your Results</b>
[[Dead|dead]]: $d
[[Evil|evil]]: $e
[[Jilted Lover|jilted]]: $j
[[Metaphor for Ireland|ireland]]: $i
[[Pretty|pretty]]: $p
[[The Old Ball and Chain|ballandchain]]: $b
[[Unfaithful Lover|unfaithful]]: $u
[[War Wife|warwife]]: $war
[[Winning|winning]]: $w
<i>[[Reset?]]</i> | <i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i><h2>Unfaithful Lover</h2>
You’re cheating on your husband! Or at the very least, you’ve abandoned him. Occasionally he’s a joke. He might be sad. He might push you into a river. In a very literal sense, watch your back.
<b>Examples:</b>
<a href="https://www.joeheaney.org/en/seven-drunken-nights/">Seven Drunken Nights</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUTfv2P5oW4">Little Musgrave</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgcdR5QUG04">Marrowbones</a>
<b>Your Results</b>
[[Dead|dead]]: $d
[[Evil|evil]]: $e
[[Jilted Lover|jilted]]: $j
[[Metaphor for Ireland|ireland]]: $i
[[Pretty|pretty]]: $p
[[The Old Ball and Chain|ballandchain]]: $b
[[Unfaithful Lover|unfaithful]]: $u
[[War Wife|warwife]]: $war
[[Winning|winning]]: $w
<i>[[Reset?]]</i> | <i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i><h2>War Wife</h2>
Your true love’s gone to war, or possibly America. He might be dead, and you’re miserable. Try following him? Maybe?? It’ll give you something to do other than lament, at least. Regardless, I suggest blaming Napoleon Boneparte for all your problems.
<b>Examples:</b>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogdxae_2uj4">Siúil a Rúin</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M47clNeUuSQ">Craigie Hill</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ooq3e_PnD68">Bonny Light Horseman</a>
<b>Your Results</b>
[[Dead|dead]]: $d
[[Evil|evil]]: $e
[[Jilted Lover|jilted]]: $j
[[Metaphor for Ireland|ireland]]: $i
[[Pretty|pretty]]: $p
[[The Old Ball and Chain|ballandchain]]: $b
[[Unfaithful Lover|unfaithful]]: $u
[[War Wife|warwife]]: $war
[[Winning|winning]]: $w
<i>[[Reset?]]</i> | <i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i><h2>Winning</h2>
You’ve gamed the system. Maybe you’re so annoying you get sent back from hell. You might rob sailors. Hell, maybe you’re a three-times-widowed cougar who can dance. You’re living a weird life, but you’re thriving.
<b>Examples:</b>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwRcSgnOGbY">The Farmer's Cursed Wife</a>
<a href="https://www.clarelibrary.ie/eolas/coclare/songs/cmc/maid_on_the_shore_jlyons.htm">The Maid on the Shore</a>
<a href="https://www.clarelibrary.ie/eolas/coclare/songs/cmc/mary_malone_mhowley.htm">Mary Malone</a>
<b>Your Results</b>
[[Dead|dead]]: $d
[[Evil|evil]]: $e
[[Jilted Lover|jilted]]: $j
[[Metaphor for Ireland|ireland]]: $i
[[Pretty|pretty]]: $p
[[The Old Ball and Chain|ballandchain]]: $b
[[Unfaithful Lover|unfaithful]]: $u
[[War Wife|warwife]]: $war
[[Winning|winning]]: $w
<i>[[Reset?]]</i> | <i><a href="index.html">let me out</a></i>